Here’s a sex act that takes no stamina, no flexibility, and no guessing: you each touch yourselves, and you watch. That’s mutual masturbation, and it might be the most underrated move a couple can make.
It’s hot because it’s honest. Everyone already knows exactly how they like to be touched. Mutual masturbation is the moment you stop keeping it a secret, and ten minutes of watching your partner do what works for them will teach you more than a year of polite guessing.
This guide covers what it is, how to bring it up without making it weird, six positions worth trying, the long-distance version, the toys that make it better, and the honest safety facts. Lights low. Not off. You’ll want to see this.
What’s in this guide
- What is mutual masturbation?
- Why couples love it
- How to bring it up
- How to do it, step by step
- 6 mutual masturbation positions
- Long-distance mutual masturbation
- The best toys for mutual masturbation
- Is mutual masturbation safe?
- FAQs
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation is when two (or more) people masturbate together: side by side in the same bed, touching each other, taking turns while the other watches, or over a video call. It’s one of the lowest-pressure ways to be intimate, and the most direct way to learn exactly how your partner likes to be touched.
It comes in a few flavors:
- Side by side. You each take care of yourselves, together.
- Hands-on. You touch each other instead, or trade off.
- Show and tell. One of you performs, the other watches, then you switch.
- Long-distance. Same idea, different zip codes: a video call, a phone call, or app-controlled toys.
Any combination of bodies works. All it takes is two people who want to watch.
Is it sex? If you want it to be. There’s no official rulebook, and every couple defines sex a little differently. For some people it’s foreplay. For plenty of others it’s the whole main event, start to finish. Both count.
Why couples love it
It’s a private masterclass. Watching your partner touch themselves shows you the exact speed, pressure, and rhythm their body likes, which beats asking “is this good?” halfway through. There’s a lot to learn, too. In a national survey of 1,055 U.S. women ages 18 to 94, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, only 18.4% said penetration alone was enough for orgasm, and 36.6% said they needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse (summary of the study). Watching is how you find out what that stimulation looks like for the person you’re with.
Nobody has to perform. No one has to last, get hard on cue, or hit a spot they can’t see. Everyone is in charge of their own pleasure, which is exactly why it’s so relaxing, and why it’s perfect for nights when your energy (or your libidos) don’t match.
It’s genuinely hot. Watching and being watched is the friendliest form of voyeurism and exhibitionism there is. Eye contact while you’re both getting close is its own kind of intense.
It’s lower risk. Pregnancy is very unlikely, and the STI risk is lower than with intercourse. Lower isn’t zero, though. The safety section has the honest details.
It travels. Across the bed or across the country, it works the same way. More on that below.
How to bring it up
You don’t need a speech. You need one sentence and a little curiosity. Pick a calm moment outside the bedroom (not mid-argument, not mid-sex) and try one of these:
- “I want to watch you. Will you show me how you do it?”
- “Can we try something tonight? We each take care of ourselves, side by side.”
- “Show me exactly how you like it. I want to learn.”
Frame it as a game, not a fix. If they’re shy, offer to go first. And if the answer is no, take the no gracefully. The idea can come back up later, on their terms.
How to do it, step by step
- Set the scene. Lights low, not off, because seeing is the point. Towel down, phones away, lube within reach.
- Start side by side. Lie next to each other, hips touching. Eyes open or closed, whatever lets you relax. Feeling self-conscious at first is normal, and it tends to fade once you’re both into it.
- Add lube. Hands love glide. A water-based lube like JO H2O is safe with everything, and a silicone glide lasts longest on skin.
- Narrate. Say what feels good, what you’re thinking about, and what you want next. If compliments light you (or them) up, our guide to the power of praise has ideas.
- Watch and take notes. Fast or slow? Firm or feather-light? Circles or strokes? Where do they speed up, and what makes them hold their breath?
- Show and tell. Take their hand and put it where yours was. Guide it, hand over hand, at your pace. This is where the masterclass pays off.
- Finish however you like. Together, one after the other, or not at all. There’s no scoreboard.
- Debrief. Later, tell each other one thing you learned. It’s the most useful pillow talk you’ll ever have.
6 mutual masturbation positions to try
1. Side by Side
The gateway. Lie on your backs, shoulders touching, each taking care of yourself. Peek as much or as little as you like. Low pressure, high intimacy, and the perfect first time.
2. Face to Face
Sit up at opposite ends of the bed, backs against the pillows, legs open and feet tangled in the middle. Full view, full eye contact. The most intense position on this list, and the most rewarding.
3. The Spoon
The big spoon reaches around and either does the touching or rests a hand over the little spoon’s and follows their lead. Cozy, easy on the arms, and built for whispering.
4. The Backseat Driver
One partner sits between the other’s legs, back against their chest. The partner behind reaches around, and the partner in front lays their hands over their partner’s and steers. Best position for learning, hands down. Literally.
5. The Mirror
Sit side by side facing a full-length mirror, so you can watch each other without the pressure of direct eye contact. Shy people love this one. If you love the view, our guide to mirror play takes it further.
6. The Private Show
One partner sits in a chair at the foot of the bed and watches. The other performs. House rule: look, don’t touch. Then switch seats. It’s a tease for both of you, and the switch is the best part.
Long-distance mutual masturbation
Distance ruins plenty of things. It doesn’t have to ruin this. The long-distance version runs on two ingredients: a call and, ideally, a pair of app-controlled toys.
- Get on a call. Video if you both want it, audio if you don’t. Prop the phone up, find flattering light, and narrate exactly like you would in person.
- Hand over the controls. Lovense toys like the Ferri and the Lush 3 run on the Lovense app, so your partner can drive your toy from anywhere with a signal. Now you’re not just watching each other. You’re steering each other.
- Go synced. The Lovense Max 2 pairs with the Lovense Nora (or another Max 2), and the two toys react to each other’s movements in real time. It’s as close to the same bed as two zip codes get.
- Set privacy rules first. No screenshots and no recording without a clear yes. Use an app you both trust, and silence notifications so nobody’s boss pops up mid-scene.
More options in our guide to the best app-controlled vibrators.
The best toys for mutual masturbation
Hands are free and completely sufficient. But the right toy turns a nice idea into a standing date. Here’s what we’d put on the nightstand.
| Pick | Best for | Price |
|---|---|---|
| JO H2O Personal Lube | Everyone (toy-safe glide) | from $12.95 |
| Magic Wand Rechargeable | Vulva play (penises love it too) | $159.95 |
| TENGA Flip Zero Gravity | Penis play | from $124.95 |
| Lovense Ferri | Handing over the remote | $118.95 |
| Lovense Max 2 + Nora | Long-distance couples | $123.95 each |
| JO All-In-One Warming Massage Glide | A massage that turns into more | $35.95 |
| TENGA Spinner Tetra | Trying it on a budget | $25.95 |
1. JO H2O Personal Lube: the non-negotiable
If you buy one thing from this guide, buy this. It’s water-based, so it’s safe with every toy material (silicone included) and with latex condoms, but it has the silky, long-lasting glide people usually go to silicone for. No stickiness, no stains, and it rinses right off. From $12.95.
2. Magic Wand Rechargeable: the spectator sport
The genuine article, now cordless. The broad head and deep, rumbly power made it the benchmark for vulva play, and it’s just as happy resting against the underside of a penis. Watching your partner with a wand is a show in itself. $159.95.
3. TENGA Flip Zero Gravity: the stroker built for an audience
Densely packed internal textures, a one-way valve that builds real suction, and a shell that flips open so cleanup is fast, which matters when the lights come up. It’s easy to hold, which leaves your other hand free. From $124.95.
Get the Flip Zero Gravity here.
4. Lovense Ferri: hand over the remote
A tiny magnetic panty vibe that clips to underwear and runs on the Lovense app, from across the room or across the world. Start the tease at dinner, finish it in bed, and let your partner hold the controls the whole way. $118.95.
5. Lovense Max 2 + Nora: the long-distance power couple
The Max 2 is an app-controlled stroker with 360-degree contractions. The Nora is a rabbit vibrator with a rotating head. Pair them and each toy reacts to the other’s movements in real time, from any distance. $123.95 each.
Get the Max 2 here. · Get the Nora here.
6. JO All-In-One Warming Massage Glide: the massage that turns into more
Silicone-based, warms on contact, and works as both a massage glide and a personal lubricant. Start with a back rub and see where the hands wander. $35.95.
7. TENGA Spinner Tetra: the low-risk experiment
Under $30 and genuinely clever: a coiled core twists the sleeve as you stroke. A painless way to find out whether toys belong in your routine. $25.95.
Want more? Browse toys for couples, wands, and strokers, or read our full guide to the best male strokers. Flying solo tonight? Try Blended Orgasm 101.
Is mutual masturbation safe?
Mostly, yes. It’s one of the lower-risk ways to be sexual with someone. But lower risk isn’t no risk, so here are the honest details.
- Pregnancy: Very unlikely, but possible. According to Planned Parenthood, it can happen if semen on fingers or toys touches the vulva or goes into the vagina. If that matters to you, wash your hands before switching from your body to theirs.
- STIs: Herpes, HPV, and syphilis can spread through skin-to-skin contact, mutual masturbation included, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. Other infections can travel on hands and shared toys. If you don’t know each other’s status, stick to side by side (everyone touches only themselves), and get tested together.
- Shared toys: Wash them between users, or put a fresh condom on a toy every time it changes bodies.
- Lube: Water-based lube is safe with every toy. Silicone lube lasts longest on skin, so spot-test it before using it on a silicone toy.
- Privacy: Long-distance? Nothing gets screenshotted or recorded without an enthusiastic yes.
This is general information, not medical advice. If you have questions about STIs or testing, talk to a clinician.
FAQs
Is mutual masturbation sex?
It can be. There’s no official definition, and every couple decides for themselves. For some people it’s foreplay; for others it’s the whole main event. Both count.
Is mutual masturbation cheating?
With your own partner, obviously not. With someone else, including on camera, it depends on your relationship’s agreements, and in most monogamous relationships it would count. When in doubt, ask your partner, not the internet.
Can you get pregnant from mutual masturbation?
It’s very unlikely, but possible if semen on fingers, toys or skin reaches the vulva or vagina. If pregnancy is a concern, wash your hands before switching from your body to your partner’s.
Can you get an STI from mutual masturbation?
The risk is lower than with intercourse, but not zero. Herpes, HPV and syphilis can spread through skin-to-skin contact, and other infections can travel on hands or shared toys. Washing hands, putting condoms on shared toys and getting tested together all cut the risk.
What sex toys are good for mutual masturbation?
Start with a good lube. After that: a wand vibrator for vulva play (it works on a penis too), a stroker like the TENGA Flip Zero Gravity for penis play, and app-controlled toys like the Lovense Ferri if you want to hand your partner the controls.
How do I ask my partner to try mutual masturbation?
Keep it simple and curious: “I want to watch you. Will you show me how you do it?” Bring it up outside the bedroom, offer to go first, and take a no gracefully.
What if I feel self-conscious?
That’s normal, especially the first time. Start side by side with the lights low, keep your eyes closed for the first few minutes if that helps, and let your partner’s reaction do the reassuring.
Can you do mutual masturbation long-distance?
Yes. Get on a video or phone call and narrate. App-controlled toys take it further: the Lovense Max 2 and Nora sync, so each toy reacts to the other’s movements from any distance.
The best part of mutual masturbation is that there’s no way to fail. You’re both going to enjoy yourselves. The only question is how much you learn while you do. Start side by side, keep the lube close, and pay attention: your partner is about to show you exactly how they like it.
— Maya Sterling, AdultLuxe editorial. Read our editorial standards.