Many of us have seen porno movies featuring threesomes. Some have used them as a catalyst to start the conversation with our significant other, others as a bridge to initiate a threesome, and still others wonder how to make it happen in reality. Some may find pornos a bit too humorous to watch due to the bad acting and scripts; instead, the idea of having a threesome has come about from "pillow talk" during foreplay.
Whatever the source for considering the idea, this blog series will be a guide on having a threesome and will cover most aspects that a couple will encounter, including some misconceptions. It will cover the main points such as terminology, fantasy versus reality, communication, boundaries, choosing the third, friend versus stranger, safety, two male versus two female threesomes, variations of threesomes, and when a threesome is right for a couple.
Finally, it should be noted that this information is an opinion that may or may not work for couples.
Scope
The perspective we will be using is that of a committed couple exploring the idea of having a threesome. We intend to present a balanced approach, to enable anyone considering the idea to appreciate what the decision may entail. The type of threesome we will be exploring is the general threesome that does not involve an open relationship.
Our reason for choosing this perspective is that we feel that a couple in a committed relationship has the most to lose if the threesome goes wrong, and we believe there is a lot of misinformation out there. We do accept that some couples can discuss the idea once and have a perfectly enjoyable threesome.
However, we feel such a situation is fraught with risks and may pose potential problems later for the couple. Therefore, our perspective is one where we say that the information presented here will help couples, along with helping single males understand the process for couples, helping single females, and hopefully helping some more experienced couples too.
The Beginning
Start by looking at the first step, which is considering the idea and how to approach the subject with your significant other. This can be divided into two parts. The first part will be to discuss introspection, the process of examining the idea, and the second part will be to examine how to bring up the idea.
Introspection
- Introspection is Key: Before initiating any discussions about having a threesome, it's crucial to undergo a process of introspection. Understand what you're proposing to your partner and the potential impact on your relationship.
- Understanding the Difference Between Fantasy and Reality: Recognise the vast difference between fantasising about a threesome, where you control every aspect, and the reality of a threesome, where control is limited and shared.
- The Importance of Mutual Decision: Ensuring that the decision to explore a threesome is made freely and mutually without any undue pressure is essential for the health of the relationship.
- Research: Delve into the limited available literature on threesomes, swinging, group sex, and open relationships to gather relevant information.
- 360° Examination: Consider the potential threesome from all angles—boundaries, risks, your partner’s feelings, the third person's attributes, safety measures, and the structure of the threesome.
- Scenario Planning: Think through various scenarios and how they might be addressed, developing contingency plans for potential situations.
- Initiating the Discussion: After thorough introspection, research, and consideration, if you still believe pursuing a threesome is worthwhile, the next step is to start a conversation with your partner.
This approach helps in making the concept of exploring a threesome in a relationship not just another mundane topic, but a well-thought-out decision involving significant emotional and practical considerations.
First Discussion
As a couple, you may have watched porn movies with threesomes or role-played the idea with great results in the bedroom. You may have included a few people you know as a way to enhance the experience, or the idea has been something that is never discussed.
Regardless of the role the fantasy of having a threesome may play, the one thing that is still missing is a discussion outside of the bedroom regarding this idea. We are going to talk about that. Introducing the idea is unpredictable. A lot of where future discussions go depends to some extent on this discussion and your knowledge of your partner's reaction to discussions that can become involved.
Many people who consider bringing up the idea seek a magical formula that can convince their partner to have a threesome, but the reality is the only way to reach the point of having a threesome is through communicating with each other.
Furthermore, even if the first discussion is successful, it still means there is more discussing that needs to occur, and it is therefore important to see this as a journey, not a sprint to have a threesome. The only way to have this discussion is by being direct and forthright. Using euphemisms, being passive, speaking indirectly, talking about the idea during the "heat of passion" in the bedroom, or bringing up the subject by using sock puppets acting out the proposed idea can only lead to misunderstandings later.
It is only by speaking honestly, respecting each other's feelings, talking about the subject outside of the bedroom, and listening to what each other says that will lead to this issue getting some direction. At this point, we could go through some suggestions on how to bring up the idea, but our feeling is that it would distract from the discussion, and we feel there are numerous ways an individual could lead into the discussion, much of which depends on your knowledge of your partner.
This now leads to the question: how do you bring up the subject? Bringing up the subject does not mean you have to be brutally direct about it, nor does it mean you need to blurt out the subject while spending time together. Instead, it means being prepared, using what you have learned during your introspection, and using what you know about your partner to time the discussion. This means there is a bit of timing in the subject, and it should happen when the two of you can discuss the subject rationally.
Moreover, it means that you have to work through how you will bring it up and you have worked out, to some extent, the type of reaction you expect from your partner.
Your planning and your partner's reaction will dictate your next step. Should your partner not be receptive at this stage to the idea, then I would recommend taking time to build up the relationship so that they feel secure and then broach the subject in no earlier than 12 months' time. It may be your partner is not receptive to the idea, or it may mean they need time to process the information.
Giving time to process the information and being willing to answer any questions they may bring up will help move the process forward. In addition, because of the unpredictable nature of having the discussion, it means being restrained, patient, not rushing it, and understanding may help more than trying to be confrontational about it.
However, if your partner seems receptive to the idea, your first reaction should not be finding threesome and swinger's sites to join. Instead, it means talking about it some more, and it may mean that as a couple, you may have to come back to it at a later time when you do not have distractions. Once the two of you reach an agreement about discussing the idea further, then you are ready for the next step, which is going to be something you'll read about in Part 2 of this blog!